Inu Yasha: Breadbox Edition
by Farmer Jen
Summary: The show in a nutshell
1. I am not a hampster, thank you

Disclaimer: I am the Goddess. I own all.  
  
I got the idea to do a breadbox edition of something from Evadne. Give praise.  
  
***  
  
Setting: A pretty, ludicrously green section of forest in feudal Japan. Enter Kagome, walking her bike. Shippou sits in the basket. The pair is followed by Miroku, who is wistfully eyeing Kagome's ass. Inu Yasha follows a little ways behind, thinking about whatever hanyous think about.  
  
Kagome: Ah, what a beautiful day! I think I'll be disturbingly cheerful while I admire this ludicrously green section of forest.  
  
Shippou: Look at me! I'm adorable!  
  
Inu Yasha: *grumble*  
  
Miroku: Yes, it's a very nice ass-I mean, day. What a perfectly peaceful setting. Nothing could go wrong!  
  
*Enter extremely large demon resembling a disfigured weasel*  
  
Demon: Roar! Give me your jewel shards or I will kill you!  
  
Inu Yasha: Um, how 'bout not?  
  
*Inu Yasha jumps into the air, screaming and clawing the air. He destroys the demon with one hit, and falls to the ground gasping*  
  
Kagome: Oh no, the poor guy! I'm going to go hug him and then have a mood swing, hit him, and walk away crying.  
  
Miroku: That was much too easy, even though I didn't do anything whatsoever. That demon must be controlled by an emotionless man with sexy voice that never laughs and wears some type of fur over their head/shoulder.  
  
Kagome: I'm going to act like it's not painfully obvious that it's either Sesshoumaru or Naraku, or that Inu Yasha couldn't sniff out the puppet master by sniffing the air.  
  
Inu Yasha (sniffing the air): Sesshoumaru! He must be after my sword that is actually a tooth and is logically much too dull to cut anything, let alone kill a large amount of demons with one stroke.  
  
Shippou: I'm still adorable!  
  
*The group walks along until they find a large mansion in the woods*  
  
Miroku (to mansion owner): There is an ominous cloud hovering over  
your mansion! I'm a complete stranger without much physical prowess,  
but you should trust me anyway and give my companions and I some food  
and any attractive princesses nearby.  
  
Mansion owner: Ok! Come in and take advantage of my stupidity.  
  
*They go inside and eat, and Miroku is attacked by an ugly princess*  
  
Miroku: I will go into another room while I'm molested by an ugly,  
whiny princess.  
  
Shippou: Ok. I think I'll conveniently go to sleep, leaving Inu Yasha  
and Kagome to flirt.  
  
Kagome: I'm sorry for having a mood swing and slapping you.  
  
Inu Yasha (looking wistfully out window): It's ok, just don't cry  
because I find it rather annoying.  
  
Kagome (noting wistful look): Are you thinking about that dead girl  
you're obsessed with again? You know, Kikyou?  
  
Inu Yasha: Kikyou? I think I'll now go into an extremely redundant  
flashback about the day we "betrayed" each other.  
  
Kagome: You do that. I'll start asking you who you love more, and then  
be whiny and sad like many fanfic authors make me. They seem to like  
to have me obsess over the dead girl.  
  
Inu Yasha: Tell me about it.  
  
*Suddenly, a section of a wall is gone*  
  
Sesshoumaru, from shoulder of large demon: I think I will come over  
and play cat and mouse with you, though I could easily destroy you and  
take your sword.  
  
Inu Yasha: Grr. I will be an arrogant idiot and come try to attack  
you, though you'll just knock me to the ground and then proceed to  
beat the crap out of me.  
  
Sesshoumaru: Sounds good.  
  
Inu Yasha (knocked to ground within seconds): Oh, Kagome, I think I'll  
get very mushy and tell you my true feelings now.  
  
Kagome: Yes, and I'll hold you, constantly repeat your name, and get  
those shimmering anime eyes while a romantic take on the tune they  
play incessantly goes on in the background, and we can completely  
forget about your evil brother who's trying to kill us.  
  
Miroku: Now I'll remove this piece of cloth and some prayer beads and  
try to suck in your brother with the large hole in my hand.  
  
Sesshoumaru: I think not. Look, I have some poisonous bees that will  
sting you. Ha.  
  
Miroku: Oh no. Looks like Inu Yasha will just have to miraculously  
recover his strength and attack you again.  
  
Shippou: It seems that I've been forgotten. Oh well, I'll just sit in  
the sidelines and look cute.  
  
Jaken: Hey, at least you were mentioned. I have to sit here and laugh  
evilly. I don't even get to look cute.  
  
Shippou: Sucks to be you.  
  
Kagome: I'll now deliver a confidence-giving speech that will get you  
back on your feet.  
  
Inu Yasha: Grr. Now I'm going to go attack my brother, and drive him  
away though I'm at half-strength and about to die.  
  
Sesshoumaru: I think I'll run away now, though I'm at full strength.  
Ahh. Come, Jaken.  
  
Jaken (waving to Shippou): Bye, other unused character!  
  
Shippou: I can't talk to you. You're evil.  
  
Jaken: This is true.  
  
Narrator: Party is suddenly fully healed, and walking in yet another  
ludicrously green section of forest.  
  
Kagome: I'll now say some cheesy, happy line that will end the show. 


	2. Mr Snuffles likes cheese

Setting: Another ludicrously green section of forest in Feudal Japan. The sun is shining brightly down on a group of five travelers walking down the road. Shippou sits on Kagome's large backpack, eating a rotating lollypop the miko brought for him. Sango walks along with a contented look on her face, followed by Miroku, who sports some large lumps on his head. Inu Yasha trails behind the group, grumbling.

Miroku: Why is it that you won't let me fondle you even though you have feelings for me? I mean, you get jealous when I grab other women and ask them to bear my child, but when I do the same to you, you get mad.

Sango: I'm not sure. I guess I just like to contradict myself.

Miroku: Oh, ok.

Shippou: I really like these things. You've got some great technology in your time, Kagome.

Kagome: Yeah, I know. We have these things called guns that shoot tiny rock- like things at people at high speeds and kill them. I bet we could kill a bunch of demons with those.

Miroku: So why didn't you bring one of those back? We could've killed Naraku a long time ago.

Kagome: I'm blonde at heart. Can't you tell?

Scene changes to peaceful village. Kikyou is playing with some children along the water's edge

Little Girl: Wow, Kikyou, you're so great! I won't question the facts that a skilled miko like you wouldn't leave her village unless she was on the run, and that strange luminescent demons have been seen floating around every night since you've shown up. You couldn't possibly be connected with those demons, even though you disappear every night.

Kikyou: Of course not. I don't eat souls. I'm alive.

Enter ugly monk with buckteeth and his assistant Ugly monk: Hey, you're dead. I think I'll throw a scroll at you.

Kikyou: Ok. You've been spying on me and heard the little children call me a miko, but don't grasp the fact that I can turn the magic in the scroll back on you. I'll just do that.

Ugly monk: Ok. Hey, you're not dead. I think I'll pick up the scroll now. Ow!

Monk dies

Monk's assistant: I think I'll run away now and tell others of your horrible deeds.

Kikyou: Ok. It's not like my ex and his new girlfriend are going to come over and ruin my plans.

Scene goes back to the group

Kagome: Hey, look! A conveniently placed clearing! Let's camp there.

Inu Yasha: Ok. It seems safe. It won't be as soon as we all fall asleep, but that doesn't matter now.

They set up camp

Sango: Wow, there's a hot spring really close by. Funny how that always happens in fanfics.

Kagome: Yeah. Let's go skinny-dipping.

Sango: Sounds good.

They get in the springs, naked

Kagome: Hmm. I wonder what will happen now.

Sango: Well, if we don't engage in lesbian activities, then our male companions should be along at any time to peek at us. Then we could all suddenly become bisexual and have a huge orgy.

Kagome: Maybe, maybe not. I seem to be a popular match with many people. It's quite likely that an emotionless male with a sexy voice will abduct me, and I'll end up falling in love with him and ditching Inu Yasha.

Sango: Maybe we shouldn't have gone to the springs. Let's get out so that the inevitable hot springs incident will be over with.

Kagome: Ok. The two get out and walk away through the bushes. They step on Miroku

Miroku: Kuso...

Sango beats the crap out of Miroku

Kagome: Well, that was predictable.

Sango: Sure was.

Back at camp

Inu Yasha: I don't think the author likes me anymore. I haven't talked for this whole story.

Shippou: You poor thing. I only got six lines in the last chapter. At least you get an action part.

Inu Yasha: Yeah, you've got it so hard. You're just adorable and get to sleep with Kagome every night.

Shippou: Well, you're a bishy guy that Kagome would allow to sleep with her, but you tend to be an idiot and run off with dead girls that plan on dragging you to hell with them as soon as they get their hands on you.

Inu Yasha: This is true. I think it's about time you went off to search for Miroku, who is obviously being beaten to a pulp by naked women. I'll go off by myself and run into someone who will get me in a state of utter helplessness.

Shippou: Ok. Have fun.

Inu Yasha walks through the forest alone

Inu Yasha: Hey, something smells like grave dirt, decay, and Kagome. Oh, it must be my ex.

Kikyou: Hi. Come over to my tree that's surrounded by soul-stealing demons and let me drag you off to hell.

Inu Yasha: Ok. Why don't you just kill me? When you were resurrected you said you had nothing but hatred in your heart for me, and yet you still manage to have feelings for me.

Kikyou: Good question. Looks like Takahashi screwed up on a plot point. She probably figured that nobody would remember that line. Or maybe she didn't screw up at all, and it's the translators' fault.

Inu Yasha: Why must our lives be dubbed?

Kikyou: Life's a bitch.

Inu Yasha: This is true.

Scene goes back to camp

Kagome: Hmm. It seems pretty obvious that Inu Yasha went off into the woods by himself, but I'll ask Shippou where he went anyway.

Shippou: Inu Yasha went off in the woods by himself.

Kagome: Oh, ok. I'd better go find him and see him doing inappropriate things with his ex girlfriend. My heart will be broken, but that's ok. I'll continuously think that he's the only one for me even though there's a perfectly fine cutie at home that is obsessed with me.

Enter Monk's assistant

Monk's assistant: Look at me, I'm beaten up and bleeding badly. Oh no, that girl looks just like the person I ran from. I think I'll scream now, and then mumble senselessly and hope that you get my point.

Kagome: Hmm, a miko that looks like me and eats dead souls. That's a tough one.

Sango: Let's all run off in a random direction that will somehow take us to the right place.

Miroku: Sounds good. True, we'll all just run into a barrier and Kagome will be the only one able to get in, but we should all go anyway.

Shippou: I'm adorable!

Monk's assistant: I am no longer needed, so I will conveniently disappear.

They run off in a random direction

Kagome: Wow, a big shimmering thing that just happens to be Kikyou's barrier. I think I'll run through it and leave my companions behind.

Sango, Miroku, and Shippou all run into the barrier and fall on their asses

Miroku: Whoops, looks like she left us behind. I believe I'll grope you now, Sango.

Sango: Ok. I'll just hit you on the head afterward.

Shippou: I don't want to grow up...

Scene switches to Inu Yasha and Kikyou

Kikyou: Let's have a mushy, pointless conversation about the past while that annoyingly incessant flashback of us 'betraying each other' plays.

Inu Yasha: Sounds good. I have to make sure to say that I'll always love you, and only you, even though you want me to die. Then you can kiss me, and Kagome will walk in on us.

Kikyou: Well, I might not just kiss you. In fanfics where people pair Kagome up with others, we have sex at this time. I must be one dead fuck, considering I'm made of bones and dirt.

Inu Yasha: I'm sure you are. Let's just stick with Takahashi's plot and kiss.

Kikyou: Ok.

They kiss. Kagome has been watching the whole time

Kagome: Well, this sucks. I think I'll cry loudly and run away.

Inu Yasha: Oh dear. I believe my two-timing upset my new girlfriend. I should run after her now and pretend I didn't just confess my undying love to a dead girl.

Kikyou: Ah, you'll be back. Men are very inconsistent.

Scene goes to outside of barrier. Kagome runs out, crying, and trips over her companions

Miroku: I'll ask what's wrong, even though it's painfully obvious that Inu Yasha is being more of an inconsiderate ass than I am.

Kagome: Damn it, Inu Yasha is being more of an inconsiderate ass than Miroku. He's chasing after me now and asking me to come back, saying he didn't mean it.

Sango: Don't you hate it when the men contradict themselves?

Miroku: I thought we pointed out earlier that you contradict yourself all the time.

Sango: Oh yeah. I'm worse than Kerry.

Miroku: That you are.

Scene changes to the next day in a sunny field. Kagome sits in the meadow, and Inu Yasha walks up behind her

Inu Yasha: I think I'll apologize now, sit next to you, and act all charming and sweet.

Kagome: You do that. I'll be forgiving, and go on endlessly about understanding that you chose Kikyou and not me. Then you'll say my name sympathetically, and I'll get up, smiling cheerfully, and walk away.

Inu Yasha: Or we could have wild and crazy sex in the middle of an open field.

Kagome: Yeah, that's what a lot of writers have us do, even though it wouldn't fit my personality at all.

Inu Yasha: It sure wouldn't.

Camera angles toward unnaturally blue sky

End


End file.
